Listening...

 


Listening. Sounds easy… but it really isn’t. Reflecting on the core competency of “Listens Actively”, it dawned on me how little we (by we I’m really just referring to myself) pay attention to the different nuances in somebody’s communication. There’s so much involved and so much to “listen” to in a conversation but when we do pay attention, it helps us, the coach better support our client.

I’m going to summarise my reflections on the Listens Actively Core Competency in the following 3 points:

1. Filters – Everyone communicates through “filters”. We’re all different in our upbringing, cultural background, we have different values and beliefs, all these shapes our perspectives. All these show up in the way we speak and the way we listen. Being aware of these filters helps us be better listeners. As a coach we need to be aware of how the coachee’s filters are shaping what is being said and likewise, how our own filters could be “distorting” what a coachee is saying. Paying attention to what is being said is important, but why something is being said could be equally if not more important.

2. Form – Professor Albert Mehrabian theorized that there are three core elements in effective face-to-face communication, 7% verbal (the spoken word), 38% vocal (tone of voice), and 55% visual (body language). The combination of these three elements gives us a better (and oftentimes, complete) picture of what is being said. Imagine the words “I feel fine” being said in a calm tone and the same words in an angry tone. Same words, but it doesn’t mean the same, does it? Paying attention to tone of voice and body language gives us a clearer picture of the message that is being conveyed, helps us not just hear the message, but feel it too. Listening isn’t just hearing with our ears, but also listening with our eyes and our heart.

3. “Fish don’t talk about water” metaphor – I came across this metaphor recently and I was reminded of it as I reflected on this core competency. It means that we can become so “immersed” or used to an environment or situation, to the point that we’re desensatised and no longer aware of its effects on us. A coachee could be “stuck” and be totally unaware, and coachee’s won’t tell us coaches something that they themselves are clueless about. Listening not just to what is being said, but also what’s not being said. This is probably one of the hardest thing to do, and it requires us to listen to emotional cues, body language, choice of words, among other things. Ultimately, it requires us to be fully present with the coachee.

So when you are listening to somebody, completely, attentively, then you are listening not only to the words, but also to the feeling of what is being conveyed, to the whole of it, not part of it. - Jiddu Krishnamurti

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